I sat to write about a man
when a mouse scuttled underneath
the kitchen table. I, at first, watched
the stretched shadow bob and weave and freeze
as it saw me seeing it. I then thought only
about walking into my room two nights before, surprised
and angry about it on my bed. I followed
the mouse into the wall it hid
in and assembled a cove full of traps.
I stood guard with an idle broom for a lance
and thought: the man had radio headphones,
a gray beard, dark skin, and a miserable broom
arched on the end. He leaned forward
when he walked and chased the garbage
away in front of Cup Foods. There it is.
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what if you switched up the order of the last section? like:
ReplyDelete"the man chased garbage away from Cup foods from behind a miserable broom, in headphones, gray beard, and dark skin"
I like the thought... one concern is that the mentioning of the brooms so close to one another may be too "obvious"? Here is one work around, placing less emphasis on the broom, possibly applying action to the rest of his characteristics. Thoughts?:
ReplyDeleteI sat to write about a man
when a mouse scuttled underneath
the kitchen table. I, at first, watched
the stretched shadow bob and weave and freeze
as it saw me seeing it. I thought only
about walking into my room two nights before, surprised
and angry about it on my bed. I followed
the mouse into the wall it hid
in and assembled a cove full of traps.
I stood guard with an idle broom for a lance.
The man chased the garbage
away with a gray beard, dark skin, and radio headphones,
holding a miserable broom arched on the end. He leaned forward
when he walked. There it is.
I like it a lot. I'd say ... leave it. Although the 2nd option is a good one too. I like the first.
ReplyDelete